Wednesday, August 22, 2012
More Taking Care of Yourself
*Eliminate Unrealistic Expectations for Self and Others*
I am my toughest critic. When I look in the mirror and find endless flaws, I take the time to find one thing that is right and when I spend a little more time getting myself ready I have less to criticize. I have been trying to be more patient with my family and be less anal about the way they do things. I want them to know I am grateful that they helped me fold laundry so as tempted as i might be to redo it- I leave it alone.
*Pay Attention to Your Diet*
I notice that I feel more energetic and less moody when I actually eat fresh fruits and veggies,not just multiple cups of coffee. Drink water!!!!
*Eat Small Meals*
Appetite disturbances are common during grief. Eat small frequent meals and avoid fatty food and sugary snacks.
*Avoid Alcohol*
I rarely drink anything other than my coffee and iced tea, but I did have a gin and tonic this weekend at Seth's grandma's house. It is true that it can intensify your feelings of depression. It actually made me really edgy and gave me a bad case of verbal diarrhea..oops. Seth was going to order me a cocktail at dinner this weekend too, but I learned my lesson. Rachel+alcoholic beverages= not a good idea.
*Breathe Deeply*
I am learning that when I am stressed out I hold my breath.. a lot. It makes me tense When you take deep breaths from your abdomen, it calms you down by slowing down your breathing and increasing oxygen to your brain. I definitely don't want to have another seizure incident so I will give my brain as much oxygen as it needs. I am taking slow, deep breathes while I type...my brain is feeling very happy right now.
*Try a Massage*
This releases tension and makes you feel taken care of. I like to have Seth wash my back. It is a good way for me to sneak in some kid free time. Kid free time is very rare in our house, so sometimes it is those five minute escapes that save my day.
*Create a Soothing Environment*
I love our little radio that plays soothing sounds, but unfortunately it broke this weekend. I turn on the fans and listen to the blinds move. I don't know why but it works for me and almost puts me to sleep.
*Consider a Pet*
We have a pet scorpion and a tadpole. I am sure coming home to a kitten or dog would make it a friendly experience, but we have Chili and Green Wolf. I have to admit that I do like coming home to see if our little guy is any closer to becoming a frog, so yeah I guess pets can make you happy.
*Don't Sweat the Small Stuff*
"After what you've been through, it is all small stuff."
*Reinforce Your Sense of Humor*
Not only is laughing great for your abdominal muscles it also releases the body's natural painkillers. My son was watching the "Ordinary show" the other day and it had both Seth and I cracking up. The characters totally reminded us of our family members. We laughed so hard that we got cramps..good laughing cramps.
I know that it is hard enough getting through every day with all the chaos and responsibilities of life. Having a death in the family only magnifies the situation. It can bring in so many negative thoughts and feelings. My life cannot be put on hold while I sort through the mess.
By taking care of myself I can also take care of my family. I need to be ok for them to feel like it is ok for them to feel ok....does that make sense? When I am happy, my husband is happy. When my husband is happy, I am happy (most of the time). I want my kids to be happy all the time.
It all starts with me taking good care of myself so I do not have a negative domino effect on everybody else. Turning the frown upside down, rotating the negative to the positive, laughing instead of crying, living my life and not dying in defeat. Living like Eddie would, with a blindingly white straight toothed smile and love in my heart.
I am my toughest critic. When I look in the mirror and find endless flaws, I take the time to find one thing that is right and when I spend a little more time getting myself ready I have less to criticize. I have been trying to be more patient with my family and be less anal about the way they do things. I want them to know I am grateful that they helped me fold laundry so as tempted as i might be to redo it- I leave it alone.
*Pay Attention to Your Diet*
I notice that I feel more energetic and less moody when I actually eat fresh fruits and veggies,not just multiple cups of coffee. Drink water!!!!
*Eat Small Meals*
Appetite disturbances are common during grief. Eat small frequent meals and avoid fatty food and sugary snacks.
*Avoid Alcohol*
I rarely drink anything other than my coffee and iced tea, but I did have a gin and tonic this weekend at Seth's grandma's house. It is true that it can intensify your feelings of depression. It actually made me really edgy and gave me a bad case of verbal diarrhea..oops. Seth was going to order me a cocktail at dinner this weekend too, but I learned my lesson. Rachel+alcoholic beverages= not a good idea.
*Breathe Deeply*
I am learning that when I am stressed out I hold my breath.. a lot. It makes me tense When you take deep breaths from your abdomen, it calms you down by slowing down your breathing and increasing oxygen to your brain. I definitely don't want to have another seizure incident so I will give my brain as much oxygen as it needs. I am taking slow, deep breathes while I type...my brain is feeling very happy right now.
*Try a Massage*
This releases tension and makes you feel taken care of. I like to have Seth wash my back. It is a good way for me to sneak in some kid free time. Kid free time is very rare in our house, so sometimes it is those five minute escapes that save my day.
*Create a Soothing Environment*
I love our little radio that plays soothing sounds, but unfortunately it broke this weekend. I turn on the fans and listen to the blinds move. I don't know why but it works for me and almost puts me to sleep.
*Consider a Pet*
We have a pet scorpion and a tadpole. I am sure coming home to a kitten or dog would make it a friendly experience, but we have Chili and Green Wolf. I have to admit that I do like coming home to see if our little guy is any closer to becoming a frog, so yeah I guess pets can make you happy.
*Don't Sweat the Small Stuff*
"After what you've been through, it is all small stuff."
*Reinforce Your Sense of Humor*
Not only is laughing great for your abdominal muscles it also releases the body's natural painkillers. My son was watching the "Ordinary show" the other day and it had both Seth and I cracking up. The characters totally reminded us of our family members. We laughed so hard that we got cramps..good laughing cramps.
I know that it is hard enough getting through every day with all the chaos and responsibilities of life. Having a death in the family only magnifies the situation. It can bring in so many negative thoughts and feelings. My life cannot be put on hold while I sort through the mess.
By taking care of myself I can also take care of my family. I need to be ok for them to feel like it is ok for them to feel ok....does that make sense? When I am happy, my husband is happy. When my husband is happy, I am happy (most of the time). I want my kids to be happy all the time.
It all starts with me taking good care of myself so I do not have a negative domino effect on everybody else. Turning the frown upside down, rotating the negative to the positive, laughing instead of crying, living my life and not dying in defeat. Living like Eddie would, with a blindingly white straight toothed smile and love in my heart.
Modified Hospice Bereavement Program
I have this paper posted on my cork board. A counselor at Kaiser gave it to me a year ago and it has moved from my cluttered fridge to my own space, where I can look at it daily and be reminded that I need to include myself in my list of things that I need to take care of. I made little notes to myself so I included them and modified the list just a tad.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
*Build Relaxation Into Your Day*
I just realized today how calm I am when I am making something or listening to some "60s soul explosion on Songza. I am still learning how to relax, but I am finding I like it tons more than being on edge. Listening to some good jams+making dinner= a happy Rachel and really,really happy Seth
*Simplify Your Life*
Eliminate tasks that can wait and avoid perfectionism. The world won't end if Edyth's princess figurines are mixed in with the legos or the movies are not alphabetized. It is not necessary to reorganize other people's stuff so leave it alone.
*Exercise*
Go to the gym and take some time to yourself. Make it to the classes that are fun, Power Sculpt and Pilates..maybe try Zumba sometime. If the gym is not possible then use the step you bought yourself for your birthday or break out the WII Fit because you love it!
*Meditate or Pray*
*Walk Away From Stressors*
*Dress For Success*
Give away clothes that make you feel uncomfortable in. Take the time to put on a little makeup or shave your legs-it does make a difference.
*Make Difficult Tasks as Tolerable as Possible*
*Limit Opportunities for Family Conflict*
Recognize that this is a difficult time for everyone and give each other space and support. This one has been difficult for me because I have a hard time dealing with and even avoiding my family. I have spent time with them but I realize I can't put myself in the same position I have been in my whole life. I can't change them. I am trying to love them where there are at and focus on my husband and children.
*Schedule at Least One Enjoyable Activity into Each Day*
I love coming on here to post, it has become my release and it is really making a difference in my life.
*Don't Set Yourself Up for a Bad Time*
It is ok to say no to a family get together. Just remember that when Seth and the kids do go, you will be the one missing out. Focus on the time you are spending with them and that will make it easier for you to be around people you are not too fond of.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
*Build Relaxation Into Your Day*
I just realized today how calm I am when I am making something or listening to some "60s soul explosion on Songza. I am still learning how to relax, but I am finding I like it tons more than being on edge. Listening to some good jams+making dinner= a happy Rachel and really,really happy Seth
*Simplify Your Life*
Eliminate tasks that can wait and avoid perfectionism. The world won't end if Edyth's princess figurines are mixed in with the legos or the movies are not alphabetized. It is not necessary to reorganize other people's stuff so leave it alone.
*Exercise*
Go to the gym and take some time to yourself. Make it to the classes that are fun, Power Sculpt and Pilates..maybe try Zumba sometime. If the gym is not possible then use the step you bought yourself for your birthday or break out the WII Fit because you love it!
*Meditate or Pray*
*Walk Away From Stressors*
*Dress For Success*
Give away clothes that make you feel uncomfortable in. Take the time to put on a little makeup or shave your legs-it does make a difference.
*Make Difficult Tasks as Tolerable as Possible*
*Limit Opportunities for Family Conflict*
Recognize that this is a difficult time for everyone and give each other space and support. This one has been difficult for me because I have a hard time dealing with and even avoiding my family. I have spent time with them but I realize I can't put myself in the same position I have been in my whole life. I can't change them. I am trying to love them where there are at and focus on my husband and children.
*Schedule at Least One Enjoyable Activity into Each Day*
I love coming on here to post, it has become my release and it is really making a difference in my life.
*Don't Set Yourself Up for a Bad Time*
It is ok to say no to a family get together. Just remember that when Seth and the kids do go, you will be the one missing out. Focus on the time you are spending with them and that will make it easier for you to be around people you are not too fond of.
Monday, August 20, 2012
At the Beach
My middle son Jonathan asked if we could go to the beach tonight after I finished working. It was 6pm and I decided what the heck, let's go!
I took my two boys down to the beach with my friend's older daughter. We went to La Jolla Shores.
When we were making the left hand turn to go down to the ocean I realized that I had not been on this street since the time I took Eddie there back in April. It was on that street that Eddie told me he was not afraid to die. He told me that he did not think he was going to get better. He said he was going to go home and live with Jesus. I asked him if he was scared to die and he simply said: "No I am not afraid to die Jennifer."
Dang I wish I could be 1/8 as brave as Eddie! He truly was the MAN. Paul use to say to Eddie "You're the man Eddie!" and Eddie would laugh and say "Yeah I'm the man or No, you're the man dad!"
Eddie you ARE the man!
When I was at the beach today I made a promise to myself that I would go there more often because what the heck right? It is 10 minutes from my house! I know Eddie would have been at the beach everyday if he was in control of getting there.
I took my two boys down to the beach with my friend's older daughter. We went to La Jolla Shores.
When we were making the left hand turn to go down to the ocean I realized that I had not been on this street since the time I took Eddie there back in April. It was on that street that Eddie told me he was not afraid to die. He told me that he did not think he was going to get better. He said he was going to go home and live with Jesus. I asked him if he was scared to die and he simply said: "No I am not afraid to die Jennifer."
Dang I wish I could be 1/8 as brave as Eddie! He truly was the MAN. Paul use to say to Eddie "You're the man Eddie!" and Eddie would laugh and say "Yeah I'm the man or No, you're the man dad!"
Eddie you ARE the man!
When I was at the beach today I made a promise to myself that I would go there more often because what the heck right? It is 10 minutes from my house! I know Eddie would have been at the beach everyday if he was in control of getting there.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Long, rambling post..and we found a dragonfly
All day I have been thinking about Eddie. When I checked the kids into kid's club today and talked to Linda about her sister. During pilates class, there were a few songs that reminded me of him. On the treadmill, even though I was trying super hard to read my latest book, I kept thinking about Eddie.
I don't know what I am expecting. When he was sick and I visited him, I guess in the back of my mind I thought I would experience something miraculous. I asked him if he would keep an eye on my kids for me and he said he would. I wanted him to be Edyth's godfather, but the priest told me it would be better if I chose someone who would be around for her.
Who better than someone who has passed on to protect my daughter? I am still upset that it did not work out the way I felt it should because now Eddie is dead and Edyth remains unbaptized. This whole ordeal has really pushed my faith like a pendulum, back and forth repeatedly. When I was taking care of Eddie, cleaning him up and bathing him, it was like I was taking care of Jesus. My love for Eddie and the need to protect and fight for him was strong.
My power was limited and there was a fight every step of the way. I got in arguments over Eddie's medication because my mom believed her prayers were enough and she didn't like seeing him all medicated. I fought for the hospice program to do more for him, but they didn't get their act together in time, and probably won't. I fought for him to sleep in the living room because he was scared to sleep in his room, and that is where he died.
All my life I have been fighting myself, my family, and the world. Eddie hated the fighting. Most of the fighting in our house growing up was either between my parents,about money problems, or over some nonsense with my brother Chris. The police were always at our house, thanks to the neighbors. I am tired of fighting and being overwhelmed by anxiety and uncertainty. I got out of that house and I have a new life that I want desperately to enjoy. There has to be a way to live my life without the anger. I am not responsible for what happens with my family now, although I will always feel like I need to fix their problems.
I fought for Eddie. I knew what I needed to do to put him at peace. I know he would have kept fighting if he thought it would help my parents with their financial situation. He even told me that he didn't want to die because my parents might lose their house and they would be sad.
I wanted him to go. I knew I would miss him, but I could not handle seeing him like he was. I could not fight hard enough to make changes within my family. I told Eddie that everyone was getting older and they would be moving out soon. He would be left behind, and I didn't want that for him. I told him to go.
Eddie told the kids he would visit them as a fly, but Max suggested a ladybug or dragonfly instead. Today, when all my thoughts were on Eddie, we found a dead dragonfly. An entire dragonfly. I started to tell Max to leave it, but I told him to pick it up. We put in a cup and brought it home. We put alcohol in a jar and are hoping that is enough to preserve it. It is beautiful.
I believe that Eddie has a new life where he is happy and carefree. I don't need to understand where he is or try to explain to other people what my thoughts on the afterlife are. I just know he is ok. I am glad we found the dragonfly today- I needed that. It is the universe's way of reminding me that it will all make sense in the end, but for now I can find beauty in the small things. I can be happy.
All my life I have been fighting myself, my family, and the world. Eddie hated the fighting. Most of the fighting in our house growing up was either between my parents,about money problems, or over some nonsense with my brother Chris. The police were always at our house, thanks to the neighbors. I am tired of fighting and being overwhelmed by anxiety and uncertainty. I got out of that house and I have a new life that I want desperately to enjoy. There has to be a way to live my life without the anger. I am not responsible for what happens with my family now, although I will always feel like I need to fix their problems.
I fought for Eddie. I knew what I needed to do to put him at peace. I know he would have kept fighting if he thought it would help my parents with their financial situation. He even told me that he didn't want to die because my parents might lose their house and they would be sad.
I wanted him to go. I knew I would miss him, but I could not handle seeing him like he was. I could not fight hard enough to make changes within my family. I told Eddie that everyone was getting older and they would be moving out soon. He would be left behind, and I didn't want that for him. I told him to go.
Eddie told the kids he would visit them as a fly, but Max suggested a ladybug or dragonfly instead. Today, when all my thoughts were on Eddie, we found a dead dragonfly. An entire dragonfly. I started to tell Max to leave it, but I told him to pick it up. We put in a cup and brought it home. We put alcohol in a jar and are hoping that is enough to preserve it. It is beautiful.
I believe that Eddie has a new life where he is happy and carefree. I don't need to understand where he is or try to explain to other people what my thoughts on the afterlife are. I just know he is ok. I am glad we found the dragonfly today- I needed that. It is the universe's way of reminding me that it will all make sense in the end, but for now I can find beauty in the small things. I can be happy.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Memories
Today I was thinking about the trips we would take up into the mountains when we were kids. My dad would pack us all up into the blue station wagon and hit the road. I don't know how my parents handled the drive because even a fifteen minute drive with my kids can get unbearable fast. Anyway, my mom would pack a picnic lunch and we would go up into Julian, Ramona, or somewhere out east for the day. Sometimes, we would get to stop at Dudley's Bakery and get a few loaves of freshly baked bread. My favorite has always been the jalapeno cheese.
On the hot days, we would bring our swimsuits and head out to Green Valley Falls. I doubt I could find this place now or if it even is the way I remember it, but we would go into the park and find an empty picnic table. My mom always packed enough stuff for a few days, so after unloading the gear we would sit and eat lunch. There were waterfalls and we were able to slide down them like water slides into a collected body of water. I think it was the moss that made them super slippery.
There was this one time that my dad took my brother Chris and I to the falls. We kept going down each one and repeating it until we were exhausted. Somehow my dad's wedding band fell off and he couldn't find it anywhere. We went back up to the picnic table, where my mom and Eddie were, and he told her what happened with his ring. There was no possible way to know which waterfall or pool of water had his ring.
I stayed at the table with my brothers and my parents went down to the falls. I was wondering how the drive home would be, but it probably would not include a stop for ice cream. After a while, my parents came back and my dad had his ring on his finger. I guess my mom and dad had said a prayer before she put his hand into the water and as he was reaching under a rock, the ring slid onto his ring finger. That is the story that they told us and my dad has shared many times over. It really is a bizarre story, but it is totally true. My dad still wears the same band and has never lost it again.
The kindle book I was reading at the gym today..Joining Miracles.Navigating the Sea of Intended Synchronicities by Michael McGaulley. Pretty interesting story and maybe it is true, but it made me think. The way that my parents found the ring seems impossible and even now I wonder how in the heck that happened. I have lost things and not found them for years. Was what happened a miracle? Would my parents have stayed married if the ring had stayed lost? Would my mom view it as a sign that the marriage would fail?
I don't know how it happened and every time I hear the story I am still in disbelief. I am just really glad that my parents stayed together, and I almost feel like that story is testament to their marriage. My dad really is an amazing man. He has so many good stories and I can only hope he will use this blog to share them. Eddie loved hanging out with dad, they had a similar sense of humor and they both knew instinctively when the other needed company.
My dad is having a hard time dealing with Eddie's death and I really feel like posting on here is therapeutic. I know he still goes downstairs to get Eddie ready to go to his center, but when he gets to the room Eddie is not there. I know there are certain shows they would watch together, so it must really hurt to watch them alone.So dad, if you are reading this..use this blog as a way to keep Eddie alive.
Eddie has a way to communicate with us still. It can be a song on the radio that makes you want to dance and you can just see Eddie dancing along too. It can be a memory permanently etched in your mind, like the way Eddie would sit and bounce when he was really happy. He sometimes speaks through my son, Max, reminding me to be a patient mom and that my daughter's fits are brought on by lack of sleep. "Mom, Eddie says not to yell at Edyth because she hasn't had a nap today and she is tired."
Eddie is with me every day, pushing me out of bed and challenging me to live my life to the fullest. Knowing that everything is possible and only I put the limits on my life. I know if Eddie had not had the challenges he was born with, and if his life had been easier and longer, he would be trying to convince me to skydive or travel the world. Nothing seemed impossible to Eddie, life was an adventure. Now, when I do some really crazy thing I never thought i would do or challenge myself in a new way, I know Eddie is right beside me cheering me on..and I can do anything.
I love you Eddie...Forever and ever..
On the hot days, we would bring our swimsuits and head out to Green Valley Falls. I doubt I could find this place now or if it even is the way I remember it, but we would go into the park and find an empty picnic table. My mom always packed enough stuff for a few days, so after unloading the gear we would sit and eat lunch. There were waterfalls and we were able to slide down them like water slides into a collected body of water. I think it was the moss that made them super slippery.
There was this one time that my dad took my brother Chris and I to the falls. We kept going down each one and repeating it until we were exhausted. Somehow my dad's wedding band fell off and he couldn't find it anywhere. We went back up to the picnic table, where my mom and Eddie were, and he told her what happened with his ring. There was no possible way to know which waterfall or pool of water had his ring.
I stayed at the table with my brothers and my parents went down to the falls. I was wondering how the drive home would be, but it probably would not include a stop for ice cream. After a while, my parents came back and my dad had his ring on his finger. I guess my mom and dad had said a prayer before she put his hand into the water and as he was reaching under a rock, the ring slid onto his ring finger. That is the story that they told us and my dad has shared many times over. It really is a bizarre story, but it is totally true. My dad still wears the same band and has never lost it again.
The kindle book I was reading at the gym today..Joining Miracles.Navigating the Sea of Intended Synchronicities by Michael McGaulley. Pretty interesting story and maybe it is true, but it made me think. The way that my parents found the ring seems impossible and even now I wonder how in the heck that happened. I have lost things and not found them for years. Was what happened a miracle? Would my parents have stayed married if the ring had stayed lost? Would my mom view it as a sign that the marriage would fail?
I don't know how it happened and every time I hear the story I am still in disbelief. I am just really glad that my parents stayed together, and I almost feel like that story is testament to their marriage. My dad really is an amazing man. He has so many good stories and I can only hope he will use this blog to share them. Eddie loved hanging out with dad, they had a similar sense of humor and they both knew instinctively when the other needed company.
My dad is having a hard time dealing with Eddie's death and I really feel like posting on here is therapeutic. I know he still goes downstairs to get Eddie ready to go to his center, but when he gets to the room Eddie is not there. I know there are certain shows they would watch together, so it must really hurt to watch them alone.So dad, if you are reading this..use this blog as a way to keep Eddie alive.
Eddie has a way to communicate with us still. It can be a song on the radio that makes you want to dance and you can just see Eddie dancing along too. It can be a memory permanently etched in your mind, like the way Eddie would sit and bounce when he was really happy. He sometimes speaks through my son, Max, reminding me to be a patient mom and that my daughter's fits are brought on by lack of sleep. "Mom, Eddie says not to yell at Edyth because she hasn't had a nap today and she is tired."
Eddie is with me every day, pushing me out of bed and challenging me to live my life to the fullest. Knowing that everything is possible and only I put the limits on my life. I know if Eddie had not had the challenges he was born with, and if his life had been easier and longer, he would be trying to convince me to skydive or travel the world. Nothing seemed impossible to Eddie, life was an adventure. Now, when I do some really crazy thing I never thought i would do or challenge myself in a new way, I know Eddie is right beside me cheering me on..and I can do anything.
I love you Eddie...Forever and ever..
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Camp Oliver..retreat destination
99 cents for a James Taylor album..
so of course I downloaded it to my Kindle cloud. I never would have thought my kfire would be my favorite gift, but my husband knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I always get buyers remorse so his safest bet is usually just giving me money for a tattoo. Needless to say, I have way more ink than I did at my wedding. I am still debating what I should get for my memorial tattoo.I am glad Seth took a chance and got me the kindle. I admit I was planning on returning it, but I slowly fell in love with it.
I was able to bring it over and listen to bible verses with Eddie. I was able to find 70s soft rock on Songza and have him tell me the people singing us the songs.(Eddie could have been on the radio with all his knowledge about music). I didn't even find out until last Christmas that he had evolved from his soft rock to Lady Gaga. Seth once asked him if he liked Justin Beiber. After laughing, he told Seth "Oh no, Justin Beaver is for teenagers, I don't like him, but maybe or Michael or Monica like Justin Beaver." Then Eddie started laughing again. That story gets Seth smiling every time
I remember Eddie had a teacher who took him to a James Taylor concert. That must have been such a memorable experience for him, going to see a musician that he liked and getting out of the house. Maybe I was always a bit jealous of Jenn because she was able to do it with such ease. Picking him up and going everywhere with him without having any problems. I should have taken more time to do those kinds of things with him, but I just wanted to be as far away from home as humanly possible.
Seth changed all that. He loved Eddie as much as I did. We drove him to Carls Jr for burgers and DrPepper. Old Navy for some birthday shopping. Of course, we bought his track pants, shirts, and sweatshirts and he could not have been happier. We took him to a St.Madeline Sophie fundraising show at Copley Symphony Hall forever ago. Eddie was in his wheelchair and the tickets were complimentary,meaning they were up in the rafters with no wheelchair access. The usher told us we would have to park the chair and walk him up the never ending stairs. No way that would be reasonable for Eddie.
Poor Eddie was disappointed, but Seth quickly changed that. I don't remember how he did it, but we got past the usher and into the theater. He found a seat and placed Eddie in it and then ran the chair to the spot where it had to be parked. The smile on Eddie's face will never leave my mind. I think it was probably a combination of being out all together and the fact that we didn't do what the usher told us to do. We were being a little bad and Eddie loved it.
We grew up in the same house. Stuff that frustrated me when I lived there, and the same nonsense that irritates me now, probably bothered Eddie even more. He didn't have his sight, so all he had was his hearing. The fighting that scared me, probably scared him too. The feelings of helplessness must have been so overwhelming for him because he could not just walk away. I can't feel too poorly for myself because Eddie always had it way worse, but he never ever complained.
He was such a unique person, filled with so much love and peace. Even when he was dying, he held me when I was crying to comfort me. I tried to hold him, but he was so frail. I still have a hard time believing that it was cancer that took him. With everything that he lived through, it seems so unfair that cancer crept in and stole him from us.
Now that he is gone, all I can do is hope that he forgives me for not being the sister I should have been. I look at our childhood photos and I am there with him. Holding him, hugging him, feeding him, smiling with him, sleeping next to him..being happy together. Maybe that is what he remembers.
As for my James Taylor album, I will smile when I hear "How Sweet It Is" and remember Eddie singing it with his class...How sweet it is to be loved by you.. because it was very sweet being loved by Eddie.
I was able to bring it over and listen to bible verses with Eddie. I was able to find 70s soft rock on Songza and have him tell me the people singing us the songs.(Eddie could have been on the radio with all his knowledge about music). I didn't even find out until last Christmas that he had evolved from his soft rock to Lady Gaga. Seth once asked him if he liked Justin Beiber. After laughing, he told Seth "Oh no, Justin Beaver is for teenagers, I don't like him, but maybe or Michael or Monica like Justin Beaver." Then Eddie started laughing again. That story gets Seth smiling every time
I remember Eddie had a teacher who took him to a James Taylor concert. That must have been such a memorable experience for him, going to see a musician that he liked and getting out of the house. Maybe I was always a bit jealous of Jenn because she was able to do it with such ease. Picking him up and going everywhere with him without having any problems. I should have taken more time to do those kinds of things with him, but I just wanted to be as far away from home as humanly possible.
Seth changed all that. He loved Eddie as much as I did. We drove him to Carls Jr for burgers and DrPepper. Old Navy for some birthday shopping. Of course, we bought his track pants, shirts, and sweatshirts and he could not have been happier. We took him to a St.Madeline Sophie fundraising show at Copley Symphony Hall forever ago. Eddie was in his wheelchair and the tickets were complimentary,meaning they were up in the rafters with no wheelchair access. The usher told us we would have to park the chair and walk him up the never ending stairs. No way that would be reasonable for Eddie.
Poor Eddie was disappointed, but Seth quickly changed that. I don't remember how he did it, but we got past the usher and into the theater. He found a seat and placed Eddie in it and then ran the chair to the spot where it had to be parked. The smile on Eddie's face will never leave my mind. I think it was probably a combination of being out all together and the fact that we didn't do what the usher told us to do. We were being a little bad and Eddie loved it.
We grew up in the same house. Stuff that frustrated me when I lived there, and the same nonsense that irritates me now, probably bothered Eddie even more. He didn't have his sight, so all he had was his hearing. The fighting that scared me, probably scared him too. The feelings of helplessness must have been so overwhelming for him because he could not just walk away. I can't feel too poorly for myself because Eddie always had it way worse, but he never ever complained.
He was such a unique person, filled with so much love and peace. Even when he was dying, he held me when I was crying to comfort me. I tried to hold him, but he was so frail. I still have a hard time believing that it was cancer that took him. With everything that he lived through, it seems so unfair that cancer crept in and stole him from us.
Now that he is gone, all I can do is hope that he forgives me for not being the sister I should have been. I look at our childhood photos and I am there with him. Holding him, hugging him, feeding him, smiling with him, sleeping next to him..being happy together. Maybe that is what he remembers.
As for my James Taylor album, I will smile when I hear "How Sweet It Is" and remember Eddie singing it with his class...How sweet it is to be loved by you.. because it was very sweet being loved by Eddie.
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