Beck's "Loser" on the radio again..whenever I have Eddie on the brain, I hear this song.

52 Weeks at the Beach

When Eddie was sick he got me to take him to the beach a few times. It was more than I have ever been to the beach across a short amount of time. The beach is amazingly beautiful, calming, and peaceful. It makes you feel alive. Maybe that is why Eddie loved it so much. He could not even see the beach since he was blind but he could feel it and hear it and breath it. The beach and ocean is powerful even with out the sense of sight.

I live 10 minutes from La Jolla Shores, just 10 minutes.

After my son's first day of 2nd Grade I knew he needed to get outside and decompress. My car started heading to the beach even though it was already 6:45pm and we had not even had dinner yet.

He ran in the waves as the sun set, dousing his brand new school outfit in salt water and wet sand. My 2 year old was with us too riding in a carrier on my back. He was laughing and yelling "Oh Jonny!" as he watched Jonathan run free in the water.

I was smiling and taking lots of deep breath of the fresh sea air. I was decompressing too.

All 3 of us slept like logs that night.

In a earlier post I said I made a promise to myself to go to the beach more often. Well 3 weeks ago I made a commitment to go there once a week for a whole year. So far so good. We will be heading there tomorrow night to get our beach time in for this week.

Rachel I think you should join me sometime with your kids! Eddie wants you to.

Green Wolf tadpole died today. No fun explaining death all over again :(

Old photos

I finally figured out how to set up my printer to the laptop..all by myself. In celebration of my ability to do something I usually have Seth do, I thought I would start sharing awesome pictures I found in my mom's garage.  I have no idea what we were watching but it looks like we were really enjoying it. These are the moments that I hold dear to my heart. When I feel like a jerk or like I should have done more for my brother, it helps when I look at these. It reminds me that we had some wonderful times together and that I was a pretty good sister. Even though Eddie had his cast on, he still was very happy.

This is what I miss the most

 Eddie at Sea World, holding Edyth and her baby. This was when we all got together to watch Michael perform at the Bay of Play as Grover. I am glad Eddie and my mom were able to watch it with us.

Eddie getting of the bus when we went to Disneyland. 

                                         Eddie with Max. This picture is almost six years old.

I miss my brother. I miss his wheelchair. I miss his constant requests for a Dr.Pepper. I miss his silly sweatpants. I miss his laugh. I miss his disapproving sound effects when I would use bad words. I miss his adventures with my kids. I just really miss Eddie.

Read the book..

Heart of Abundance by Candy Paull. Refocus on the positive. There is much we can learn from the loss of a loved one. Appreciate and enjoy the life we all still have the opportunity to live.

M.Scott Peck

"Be alert for the unpredicted presence of God unexpectedly intruding upon your everyday life."

Eddie's friend died on Monday.

I haven't been talking to my family recently so I found out about Billy's death in text messages from both of my parents. It is kinda weird that Billy started getting sick and going to the hospital around the same time Eddie was dying. Angie and Billy were a big part of our lives. She is one of the many people who felt super comfortable just dropping by my parents house without calling first. Sometimes she would make tortillas and salsa, other times she would clean the house. There were even sometimes that she would just sit on the couch and fold the huge box of socks that nobody else would attempt to finish. Every time Angie would drop by, and her car would be parked out front, she would always have Billy with her.

I don't know how to explain Billy. He was not like Eddie. Eddie was mellow and liked his personal space. He was easily understood. Billy was the opposite. He would always walk after you, trying to shake your hand and ask how you were. The only other words he would say were juice and tortilla. Something about Billy always made Eddie laugh. He made me feel uncomfortable, but Eddie really liked him. Angie would always be walking around the house talking about her faith and getting into mini arguments with my siblings about conservative issues with Billy waiting patiently for her to finish so they could leave.

After Eddie died, Angie and her daughter came over. I was in the garage, cleaning out the clutter and trying to preoccupy my thoughts and Angie's car pulls up. My mom loves socializing and her home seems to be a haven for everybody..except us kids who grew up there. I know I grew up with Angie dropping by all the time without notice and it was not my house, but I really was not in the space to be talking with them about anything. It reminded me of all the times when random people would come over and how we would have to modify our plans just so they would feel comfortable.

I probably was pretty rude and there really is nothing I can do about it now. I was only at my parents to clean and use all my energy just so I was too tired to think. I wished I was invisible. How many times did I have to answer the dreaded question.."How are you doing?" Pretty shitty actually would have accurately described how I felt. Pretty sick of people invading my space and asking me the polite question that has no polite reply. I could not even explain to my mom why I could not handle people dropping by and pretending that they could understand what was going on.

 Nobody was expecting Billy's death because he died of a heart attack. Although I hated watching Eddie suffer, I am grateful now that we had those extra moments with him. I was able to be there for him like I was when we were growing up. He was able to be present in the lives of my kids. He made an impression on Seth. He reminded me how important it is to have faith in God. My faith could have died with Eddie and I could have blamed God for punishing Eddie with a miserable death, but instead it strengthened the faith of my entire family.

Just as Jesus suffered for our sin, I feel quite confident that Eddie had a similar path. He loved us all so much that he took his suffering and used it to teach us something. I am still trying to decode the message because my brain has been in a fog. Maybe it is possible he could have died quickly, but instead chose to suffer so he would have extra time with us. Maybe he wanted to make sure our faith was strong before he left us. I know he was really close to God. The only other person I have met with that amazing closeness to God would have to be Mother Theresa. Eddie had that "light."

When Eddie breathed his last breath, his mouth stayed open and he looked similar to King Tut. The image was traumatizing.  We all sat around him and were reminiscing about him. No lie, his mouth turned into a smile. It could have been the way rigor mortis set in, but it was still unbelievable. I felt like it was his way of letting us know that he was happy. He went peacefully. The sun shone through the skylight in the living room at that moment..

Mother Theresa once said

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."

WE ALL LOVE OUR MICHAEL JACKSON. I BET EDDIE HAS GREAT MUSIC WHEREVER HE IS.

BILLIE JEAN IS PLAYING ON 94.1

A new quote

I think that when I am having a hard time figuring out what to write about, instead of not posting,I will find a quote that fits my day. Not a ridiculous saying I use when I joke with Seth or the kids, but one that I happen to find that touches my heart. I have been really inspired by those who have really tried to explain life or even those that share little secrets they have learned during their lives. A good saying gets me thinking again and, no matter how bad I am feeling, refocuses me on the positive.

"Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy..they are the gardeners who make our souls blossom."
                                                                                                          -Marcel Proust

TODAY IS THE 12TH. EDDIE HAS BEEN GONE FOR THREE MONTHS. STILL HURTS.

Eddie,

I really miss you. The kids miss you. Seth misses you. I can't go over to mom and dad's because it hurts too much and I keep expecting to see you in your room. I look at your pictures everyday and they make me smile. Thank you for not dying on my birthday and for leaving me two voice mails on my phone. I wish we could have gone to Disneyland and stayed in a hotel so you could have gone swimming. I wish we would have had more trips to In and Out and more drives to the beach. I am sorry I kept playing 70s classic rock when you probably wanted to hear Lady Gaga. Thank you for always being excited to go Trick- or- Treating and for letting the kids ride with you in your wheelchair when they got tired. Thank you for always laughing at my bad jokes and reminding me not to use bad language. Thank you for making me feel loved and important. Thank you for asking for me to visit you. I hope, wherever you are, that you are happy and having fun. Put in a good word for me..maybe a few good words and keep an eye out for us. You are always in our hearts and we talk about you all the time. We love you Eddie!

Something has been bothering me recently

and I have been having really intense headaches and feeling a little depressed. I know that I have been trying to keep busy to push the thoughts away, but it has not been helping. Maybe a little venting on here will make me feel a little better.

I am a little angry at how everything went down when Eddie was dying. I don't know what I was expecting, but deep in my heart I guess I thought it would all come together. Everyone in our family would come together and there would be healing and forgiveness. We would see how precious life is and appreciate each other more. There it is. A peek into my deluded thoughts.

Our "sperm donor" knew Eddie was sick and still he never even called to check on him. Fine. His sister came over and actually had the audacity to tell my mom that she didn't know that Eddie was named after G. I think she even told my mom that she didn't think Eddie was G.'s kid. Fine. Eddie got sicker and sicker, and yet he never offered to drop by to visit. Fine. He had his family relay a message to my mom that "He is having a hard month." Fine. He didn't attend Eddie's funeral. Fine. He never sent a card or anything. Fine. Eddie just died and he had a free pass from experiencing that too. That will never,ever be fine.

I wish it was fine. I know Eddie did not know him and the funny thing is that Eddie actually thought he was dead, but really? My whole life I had wondered about G. and what was so important that he could not attempt to be even a half ass father.  He just left us, all of us, and he never looked back. I know it was for the best now, and he is a big turd, but that doesn't change how it affected us as children. My brother and I are still trying to clean up the mess he left behind.

The last time I saw G. was a little after Edyth was born.  I found out he had a son named C, the same name as my younger brother, and he was only a year older than Max. At that moment, I guess I just tried to make it easier for me accept him as a person.  Maybe I wanted desperately to have a relationship with him because I thought it would make all the hurt go away.  It didn't work out that way, and it made me feel like I wasn't good enough..again. I knew I would be disappointed again. I didn't want him making promises to my kids that he would not keep.

Seth reassured me that this wasn't something I needed. I left it alone, but the rejection still hurt. It made me wonder what C had that we didn't. Why was he working so hard to buy him everything ,pay child support, and put him through private school? Why was he a father to him and simply a stranger to us? Why couldn't he grow a pair and try to be there for Eddie or us? Why were we not important enough to be on his radar?

He got a free pass out of our lives. He never paid any child support. He would not let Paul adopt us, so we all had to keep his lame last name. I know that there are tons of people without fathers and that probably have way worse scenarios and I don't think we are the only family that has been damaged. I do know that it will be a cold day in hell before I ever think of  G or his family as my family. I don't need to go to any of their funerals or anything because now I have the free pass. The "blood is thicker than water" saying doesn't apply to people who crap on their families.

While I am on here

We went over to Seth's grandma's house for his grandpa's birthday dinner. Seth's aunt has two girls, one is six turning seven next week. I was talking with his grandpa's sisters and his other aunt, but when Edyth woke up from her nap and wanted to go swimming I was hanging out by the kids. I am glad that I did because I was able to hear a very interesting conversation.

Seth's cousin was asking Max if he believed in God. Max replied with a yes. She said, " I don't believe in God."She asked him what God does. Max told her that God watches over everyone and he takes care of the people that are sick and dying. Her response was, "Oh,haha, look at me I am God and I sit in the clouds in my underwear." Max just looked at her curiously. The look on his face made me giggle. I had no idea what he was thinking, but I knew it was probably the same thing I was. What???

I could have easily missed this exchange.  I was conflicted. What do I do? What do I say? I told her dad what she told Max and he said he would talk to her about it, but I doubt he did. I still am processing how it makes me feel. I am slighly offended but at the same time it makes me wonder what they are teaching her. It made me extremely proud of Max. Even though she was making fun and trying to get Max do the same, he did not. 

On the ride home I told Seth and he asked Max about it. Max told us that he thinks God is up in the clouds and he has a long,white beard in one of those white flowy dresses that men wore a long time ago. We both told him how proud we were that he had his own opinion and that he didn't change it because it was not the same as hers.

 I had never thought to ask Max about God. I don't attend church and we don't always say our prayers but we did talk about Eddie going to heaven. I always tell the kids that God keeps them safe. If they are ever scared, all they need to do is to say a prayer or ask Eddie to help them. 

I am glad that Max has faith in God and however he thinks He works is ok with me. I am still trying to understand it all myself. I don't have to get upset when other people think differently than me. I need to be strong in my faith and believe what I do without wavering. Of all the people to teach me somthing so simple and yet so profound, I am glad it is my own son. At seven years old, he has so much wisdom and insight. God really did bless me with an incredible family.

Long time, no post

I have been neglecting to post on here. It just is something I tend to do. I am realizing that Seth is right, but did not want to believe it. I find something new and get so caught up in it that nothing else really matters.  After a little time goes by, usually a few weeks, I am over it and put no effort in anymore. This applies to the gym, cooking, reading, cleaning, being a friend, and now blogging. I guess the natural thing for me to do would be to go silent and pretend this blog does not exist anymore.  For my sanity and because I love my brother so much, I can't let myself quit. I need to push myself harder.

The gym has been my distraction since Eddie died, and I have surprised myself with the dedication I have had. The last few weeks have been continually more difficult for me to go and even stay to do a workout. My mind wanders and as I watch the timer on the treadmill and I have slowly stopped holding myself to a standard. An hour was enough for me to read a good portion of my book and listen to a couple albums while burning close to 500 calories on a relatively steep incline. Each day, the time has decreased and my intensity has slowed down incredibly. I have been so lazy that I am wondering why I even go anymore.

I can't even remember the last time I went into a class either, and I really was having a good time. I was getting stronger and more confident, but I am starting to think that maybe I sabotage myself before it gets too good. What an unfortunate way I am used to living my life. It is not the way I want my kids become. I have so many things to rework and sometimes it overwhelms me to the point that I quit fighting. 

I did want to mention that I went to the gym yesterday and I found out that Linda's sister had passed on Monday. I felt so helpless trying to comfort her. She had been so strong and fought for her sister like I was trying to fight for Eddie. She was the person I needed to give me the strength and advice I needed, but I had no idea how to be the same for her. All I could say was at least her sister was not suffering anymore. That was the best I could come up with.

I was very disappointed in myself for saying something so stupid. It actually made me angry when people said that to me or my family. I know that he was no longer suffering, but it didn't make it any better that my brother is gone forever. 

 I had to apologize to Linda for saying what I did, but she was not upset. Her sister had been really ill on Friday, but on Saturday she was better and talking again.  Linda read the poem,the one she let me post on here, to her and told her sister that she lived her life with no regrets. I am really glad she was able to have that special moment with her. She was happy that her sister wasn't in pain any longer. 

She was actually grateful for the lady that they put in her sister's room. Her sister was not supposed to have a roomate, but they put one in there anyway. It was that lady who helped her sister when nobody was there and she would press the buttons for her to call the nurse. She was the comfort that her sister needed to pass peacefully.  Linda told me that she was going over on her lunch break to buy flowers for that lady and thank her for being there for her sister.