I don't know what I am expecting. When he was sick and I visited him, I guess in the back of my mind I thought I would experience something miraculous. I asked him if he would keep an eye on my kids for me and he said he would. I wanted him to be Edyth's godfather, but the priest told me it would be better if I chose someone who would be around for her.
Who better than someone who has passed on to protect my daughter? I am still upset that it did not work out the way I felt it should because now Eddie is dead and Edyth remains unbaptized. This whole ordeal has really pushed my faith like a pendulum, back and forth repeatedly. When I was taking care of Eddie, cleaning him up and bathing him, it was like I was taking care of Jesus. My love for Eddie and the need to protect and fight for him was strong.
My power was limited and there was a fight every step of the way. I got in arguments over Eddie's medication because my mom believed her prayers were enough and she didn't like seeing him all medicated. I fought for the hospice program to do more for him, but they didn't get their act together in time, and probably won't. I fought for him to sleep in the living room because he was scared to sleep in his room, and that is where he died.
All my life I have been fighting myself, my family, and the world. Eddie hated the fighting. Most of the fighting in our house growing up was either between my parents,about money problems, or over some nonsense with my brother Chris. The police were always at our house, thanks to the neighbors. I am tired of fighting and being overwhelmed by anxiety and uncertainty. I got out of that house and I have a new life that I want desperately to enjoy. There has to be a way to live my life without the anger. I am not responsible for what happens with my family now, although I will always feel like I need to fix their problems.
I fought for Eddie. I knew what I needed to do to put him at peace. I know he would have kept fighting if he thought it would help my parents with their financial situation. He even told me that he didn't want to die because my parents might lose their house and they would be sad.
I wanted him to go. I knew I would miss him, but I could not handle seeing him like he was. I could not fight hard enough to make changes within my family. I told Eddie that everyone was getting older and they would be moving out soon. He would be left behind, and I didn't want that for him. I told him to go.
Eddie told the kids he would visit them as a fly, but Max suggested a ladybug or dragonfly instead. Today, when all my thoughts were on Eddie, we found a dead dragonfly. An entire dragonfly. I started to tell Max to leave it, but I told him to pick it up. We put in a cup and brought it home. We put alcohol in a jar and are hoping that is enough to preserve it. It is beautiful.
I believe that Eddie has a new life where he is happy and carefree. I don't need to understand where he is or try to explain to other people what my thoughts on the afterlife are. I just know he is ok. I am glad we found the dragonfly today- I needed that. It is the universe's way of reminding me that it will all make sense in the end, but for now I can find beauty in the small things. I can be happy.
All my life I have been fighting myself, my family, and the world. Eddie hated the fighting. Most of the fighting in our house growing up was either between my parents,about money problems, or over some nonsense with my brother Chris. The police were always at our house, thanks to the neighbors. I am tired of fighting and being overwhelmed by anxiety and uncertainty. I got out of that house and I have a new life that I want desperately to enjoy. There has to be a way to live my life without the anger. I am not responsible for what happens with my family now, although I will always feel like I need to fix their problems.
I fought for Eddie. I knew what I needed to do to put him at peace. I know he would have kept fighting if he thought it would help my parents with their financial situation. He even told me that he didn't want to die because my parents might lose their house and they would be sad.
I wanted him to go. I knew I would miss him, but I could not handle seeing him like he was. I could not fight hard enough to make changes within my family. I told Eddie that everyone was getting older and they would be moving out soon. He would be left behind, and I didn't want that for him. I told him to go.
Eddie told the kids he would visit them as a fly, but Max suggested a ladybug or dragonfly instead. Today, when all my thoughts were on Eddie, we found a dead dragonfly. An entire dragonfly. I started to tell Max to leave it, but I told him to pick it up. We put in a cup and brought it home. We put alcohol in a jar and are hoping that is enough to preserve it. It is beautiful.
I believe that Eddie has a new life where he is happy and carefree. I don't need to understand where he is or try to explain to other people what my thoughts on the afterlife are. I just know he is ok. I am glad we found the dragonfly today- I needed that. It is the universe's way of reminding me that it will all make sense in the end, but for now I can find beauty in the small things. I can be happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment