and I have been having really intense headaches and feeling a little depressed. I know that I have been trying to keep busy to push the thoughts away, but it has not been helping. Maybe a little venting on here will make me feel a little better.
I am a little angry at how everything went down when Eddie was dying. I don't know what I was expecting, but deep in my heart I guess I thought it would all come together. Everyone in our family would come together and there would be healing and forgiveness. We would see how precious life is and appreciate each other more. There it is. A peek into my deluded thoughts.
Our "sperm donor" knew Eddie was sick and still he never even called to check on him. Fine. His sister came over and actually had the audacity to tell my mom that she didn't know that Eddie was named after G. I think she even told my mom that she didn't think Eddie was G.'s kid. Fine. Eddie got sicker and sicker, and yet he never offered to drop by to visit. Fine. He had his family relay a message to my mom that "He is having a hard month." Fine. He didn't attend Eddie's funeral. Fine. He never sent a card or anything. Fine. Eddie just died and he had a free pass from experiencing that too. That will never,ever be fine.
I wish it was fine. I know Eddie did not know him and the funny thing is that Eddie actually thought he was dead, but really? My whole life I had wondered about G. and what was so important that he could not attempt to be even a half ass father. He just left us, all of us, and he never looked back. I know it was for the best now, and he is a big turd, but that doesn't change how it affected us as children. My brother and I are still trying to clean up the mess he left behind.
The last time I saw G. was a little after Edyth was born. I found out he had a son named C, the same name as my younger brother, and he was only a year older than Max. At that moment, I guess I just tried to make it easier for me accept him as a person. Maybe I wanted desperately to have a relationship with him because I thought it would make all the hurt go away. It didn't work out that way, and it made me feel like I wasn't good enough..again. I knew I would be disappointed again. I didn't want him making promises to my kids that he would not keep.
Seth reassured me that this wasn't something I needed. I left it alone, but the rejection still hurt. It made me wonder what C had that we didn't. Why was he working so hard to buy him everything ,pay child support, and put him through private school? Why was he a father to him and simply a stranger to us? Why couldn't he grow a pair and try to be there for Eddie or us? Why were we not important enough to be on his radar?
He got a free pass out of our lives. He never paid any child support. He would not let Paul adopt us, so we all had to keep his lame last name. I know that there are tons of people without fathers and that probably have way worse scenarios and I don't think we are the only family that has been damaged. I do know that it will be a cold day in hell before I ever think of G or his family as my family. I don't need to go to any of their funerals or anything because now I have the free pass. The "blood is thicker than water" saying doesn't apply to people who crap on their families.
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