Long time, no post

I have been neglecting to post on here. It just is something I tend to do. I am realizing that Seth is right, but did not want to believe it. I find something new and get so caught up in it that nothing else really matters.  After a little time goes by, usually a few weeks, I am over it and put no effort in anymore. This applies to the gym, cooking, reading, cleaning, being a friend, and now blogging. I guess the natural thing for me to do would be to go silent and pretend this blog does not exist anymore.  For my sanity and because I love my brother so much, I can't let myself quit. I need to push myself harder.

The gym has been my distraction since Eddie died, and I have surprised myself with the dedication I have had. The last few weeks have been continually more difficult for me to go and even stay to do a workout. My mind wanders and as I watch the timer on the treadmill and I have slowly stopped holding myself to a standard. An hour was enough for me to read a good portion of my book and listen to a couple albums while burning close to 500 calories on a relatively steep incline. Each day, the time has decreased and my intensity has slowed down incredibly. I have been so lazy that I am wondering why I even go anymore.

I can't even remember the last time I went into a class either, and I really was having a good time. I was getting stronger and more confident, but I am starting to think that maybe I sabotage myself before it gets too good. What an unfortunate way I am used to living my life. It is not the way I want my kids become. I have so many things to rework and sometimes it overwhelms me to the point that I quit fighting. 

I did want to mention that I went to the gym yesterday and I found out that Linda's sister had passed on Monday. I felt so helpless trying to comfort her. She had been so strong and fought for her sister like I was trying to fight for Eddie. She was the person I needed to give me the strength and advice I needed, but I had no idea how to be the same for her. All I could say was at least her sister was not suffering anymore. That was the best I could come up with.

I was very disappointed in myself for saying something so stupid. It actually made me angry when people said that to me or my family. I know that he was no longer suffering, but it didn't make it any better that my brother is gone forever. 

 I had to apologize to Linda for saying what I did, but she was not upset. Her sister had been really ill on Friday, but on Saturday she was better and talking again.  Linda read the poem,the one she let me post on here, to her and told her sister that she lived her life with no regrets. I am really glad she was able to have that special moment with her. She was happy that her sister wasn't in pain any longer. 

She was actually grateful for the lady that they put in her sister's room. Her sister was not supposed to have a roomate, but they put one in there anyway. It was that lady who helped her sister when nobody was there and she would press the buttons for her to call the nurse. She was the comfort that her sister needed to pass peacefully.  Linda told me that she was going over on her lunch break to buy flowers for that lady and thank her for being there for her sister.