I slept through today

and thought it would make me feel better, but I still feel the same. It really has been a crazy few months and I still have not done anything cool with my kids. I am pretty sure that my son goes back to school sometime in August and all he is going to be able to share is that his uncle died. I really needed to have a vacation with my family this summer, but unfortunately it seems like we are all doing is surviving.

I have taken the kids swimming a handful of times at my in-laws, even though I could have been there every day. I have passes to almost everything here, but i don't have the drive to take them.  I can't figure out why I feel so unmotivated.  Today is Tuesday, so that means it has been another week since Eddie passed away.

I think I just feel bad about having a good time. When the kids are awimming, all I can think about is Eddie.  He loved going swimming. Once he had swimming lessons and did not need the orange floaties, he loved going swimming. I regret not taking him more often.

When my husband and I were first together, my family checked into a hotel for a holiday weekend and that was our vacation. I know he thought it was weird, but that was all we could afford and it was the norm for us. We went swimming until the pool closed, and my dad played guitar for us to sing along to "La Bamba" and a few other favorites of Eddie. Eddie talked about it for the entire year.

Another year, we were able to join my family on a trip to Knott's and Disneyland. We drove up and met them at the hotel and when we finally got there, we found out Eddie had spent the entire day in the pool. Anytime we were able to go on vacation, Eddie made sure multiple times that the hotel we chose had a pool. I think swimmming was his favorite activity.

In April, my parents were able to get a hotel in old town for the weekend.  Eddie had made the request multiple times and it finally worked out in his favor. I remember him telling me that he was going to a  hotel and was going to go swimming. Unfortunately,when they checked in, the hotel was remodeling their pool and Eddie did not get to go swimming.  We went down to dye eggs with him, but he was to tired to do anything but rest. I think a big part of his resting was a way for him to deal with the disappointment of the pool.

There are many things that I wished I would have done with Eddie before he died. I know if he had been in slighty better health, my husband would have helped me take him to the moon if I wanted to go there with him. I was there when I could be. I did what I thought would help. Right now, I could beat myself up for not doing more and that's exactly what I have been doing.